and it's not just wishful thinking, or only me who's dreaming?

you are so... unexplainable.
for months i've tried to reach you out
i've tried to understand exactly what in your head is
but you are so unpredictable. shit.

yesterday you were so cold, didn't say a thing, didn't even say hello. as if we didn't know each other
today you suddenly become a totally smiley person, talk nicely about funny things, you even offer me some help i don't need
and tomorrow you'd be the other guy. again.
and it happens every day. what's up boy?

i don't get it. i feel so... lost inside your head. just give me a way out, dude.

if you need friend, talk to me
if you hate me, talk to me.
just talk, okay? to me.

kau boleh sok tahu, tapi tuhan maha tau.

teruslah jadi pimpinan yang zhalim. ingatlah kau bukan seorang pemimpin, kau hanya seorang pimpinan tak tahu diuntung yang memanfaatkan kuasamu untuk meluruskan niat busukmu. sadarlah bahwa Tuhan maha melihat dan tak sekedipan mata pin Ia tidur. ingatlah bahwa akhirmu akan tiba. kau bisa merasa bagai dewa sekarang tapi diatas langit masih ada langit. pada akhirnya kebenaran akan selalu menemukan jalannya. mari kita tunggu hingga saat itu tiba, dan kau akan memohon belas kasih dari kaki kaki kami yang pernah kau nistai. percayalah, tidak sedebu pun kami mau meluangkan hidup untuk membantumu ketika naasmu tiba.

kau boleh membakar kami sekarang, tapi sumbumu akan habis suatu hari nanti
kau boleh mengikat kami sekarang, tapi sulur dosamu sendiri yang akan menjeratmu nanti
kau boleh berkuasa, tapi kami disokong kuasa tuhan
kau boleh sok tahu, tapi tuhan maha tau.

enough. please, just stop.

ga cukup ya kami berkurang satu? masih minta tumbal lagi? oh please sir, you're getting so annoying. we love them all. i love them all. i love tatang. i love bismo , dodo, even i love simbolon so much. kalo semuanya di pisahin dari kami satu persatu sama aja mutilasi kami hidup hidup. kenapa ga dibunuh aja sekalian kami ya ga?

please, stop being a jerk.
just mind your own business.
get the hell out of our life.
find your own happiness, without hurting others.
peace.

i let you go, i let you fly, why do i keep on asking WHY?

hello, T
maybe it sounds so lame but i miss you. i miss you more than i could bear. i saw your picture again and again just to make sure how handsome you was. yes, you are so magnificently handsome. i'd like to wish for you to come back here but i know that's just useless. so i just wish you're happy now. honestly i cried yesterday while staring at your picture, but what can i do then?

miss you a lot
love.

R.I.P Tatang Trisnohadi, love...

i didn't quite know how it feels like when we loose someone we love before. i mean, when my grandma passed away years ago, i feel....... only sad. there's nothing more that i could say, i know i lose her but that's just it. get it? there's nothing so deep about it. but finally, now i know how should i feel years ago.

i, they, we just lose our beloved friend 3 days ago because complication.... i don't know what kind of complication it's so hard to explain even the doctor aren't really sure about it. he has been hospitalized for about 4 months and during those time i only met him two times. how idiot i am!

2 months ago when it seems to be nothing dangerous about the disease he's been suffered from, i've never even think about seeing him at the hospital. that was my biggest sin. and when they told me that he's getting worse each day, i couldn't go out from this place for about 2 months. shit happened. i got a chance to take my long weekend from my commander and the first place that i went into is his room. i couldn't hide my smile when i saw him there, lying on the bed but keep smiling at me, at us. we had a talk for a few minutes and then suddenly i just realized how much i've been in love with him. i love the way he talked, the way he smiled, the way he moved his hands everytime he try to explain me a story, the way he breath, the way he stared at me. i just love him. and from that time on i decided to come and see him everytime i got a chance. i really really wish he'd be getting better soon back then. then a week ago i got a a news that his condition is just getting worse and i was wondering what kind of "worse" that could happen to him anymore. when i finally got my chance to went out, i went to meet him at the hospital. for some reason i didn't know, he has been moved to the ICU so there i went with Wahyu and Edi. when i finally see him, i was so speechless. he was just so...... in pain. he was lying hopelessly on the bed. i didn't know if he could see me or not but the nurse said that i should talk to him cause he still can hear me. so i talked to him, i talked about everything. about our drum corps plan to play at jakarta on july, about our lately life that has been ruined by some new stupid rules, about how long his hair was ( i told him to come home soon and cut it at the Mas Mas Cukur, haha :') ), about how he was so handsome there. i touched his hand, i could feel his fingers inside mine, i touched his hair, i whispered on his ear, just to make sure that he knew i was there and that how much i love him; i really really love him. i couldn't hold my tears any longer so i decided to went home. outside the hospital, i promised to myself to come there everytime i get some hours to go out, and i also promise to bought him something for his birthday next week. i should've known i could never do my promises...

the night roll call time came and we are doing those push up-sit up thingy when suddenly my commander stop us all and told me that Tatang's just gone. Gone forever. leaving us, leaving me without any warning. i suddenly feel so empty. the one that i love, whose hair i just touched hours before, whose finger i just hold before, suddenly gone. and will never go back.

and that's it.
that time i just know the the world has come to its end.
that's it.

it's end.

light will guide you hope...... and i will try to fix you

halo.
entah kenapa akhir akhir ini gue agak..... apa ya.... agak kacau. mungkin kacau adalah kata yang palingtepat buat mendeskripsikan ada apa dengan hidup gue lately. naek PDLT, dihujat hujat orang, laptop gue rusak, sindrom bokek parah berkesinambungan, clash ama temen, keteteran tugas, krisis percaya diri, krisis motivasi (mengutip kata kata asep sumpadang haha) de el el. intinya: GUE CARUT MARUT . i don't have any idea what has happened to the world, but it seems that i have made a HUGE sin that caused soooooo many disaster in my entire life. ini aja gue ngepost disini karena udah buntu, udah bener bener ga tau lagi mo ngomong ama siapa. i need motivation. i need to review my life back, what have i done until my day ended up like this.

maybe i need time. to be alone. to think back. to find out the reason why. to rebuild my hopeless life. to get my mood back. to unhide my face. and be the new me-the old one. with great personality, and nice attitude. i need.... support. thank you.
love
xoxo.

you remember that facebook-thingy but not this blog site, dumbass. hoooo thank god :D

yak ini sekarang ini gueposting dari flat loooooh wahahaha. yes sekarang udah boleh bawa leptop setelah berjuta juta tahun lamanya perjuangan bawa-atau-tidaknya-laptop-ke-bangsal menjadi perdebatan di seantero muka bumi. finally, here i am. sitting sweetly with my asus right here :D
another news is that, walopun udah boleh bawa laptop, tetep ajaaaaaaaa facebook di banned di sini. jadi gabisa ngiat ngiat fesbuk juga sih, sama aja boong rasanya hahaha. gue kira semua situs situs macem itu bakal di blokir karena kemarenpun bahkan google aja di block. gile ape, mo nyari data darimane. tapi ternyata blogger masih buka, thank god hahahaha. minimal bisa curcol dikit dikit lah ya disini biar ga ada mukabuku juga. nah sekarang. gue mo hunting lagi nih. ngecek ngecek site asik mana aja yang lupa di block muahahhahahaha.
bye.
xoxo