R.I.P Tatang Trisnohadi, love...

i didn't quite know how it feels like when we loose someone we love before. i mean, when my grandma passed away years ago, i feel....... only sad. there's nothing more that i could say, i know i lose her but that's just it. get it? there's nothing so deep about it. but finally, now i know how should i feel years ago.

i, they, we just lose our beloved friend 3 days ago because complication.... i don't know what kind of complication it's so hard to explain even the doctor aren't really sure about it. he has been hospitalized for about 4 months and during those time i only met him two times. how idiot i am!

2 months ago when it seems to be nothing dangerous about the disease he's been suffered from, i've never even think about seeing him at the hospital. that was my biggest sin. and when they told me that he's getting worse each day, i couldn't go out from this place for about 2 months. shit happened. i got a chance to take my long weekend from my commander and the first place that i went into is his room. i couldn't hide my smile when i saw him there, lying on the bed but keep smiling at me, at us. we had a talk for a few minutes and then suddenly i just realized how much i've been in love with him. i love the way he talked, the way he smiled, the way he moved his hands everytime he try to explain me a story, the way he breath, the way he stared at me. i just love him. and from that time on i decided to come and see him everytime i got a chance. i really really wish he'd be getting better soon back then. then a week ago i got a a news that his condition is just getting worse and i was wondering what kind of "worse" that could happen to him anymore. when i finally got my chance to went out, i went to meet him at the hospital. for some reason i didn't know, he has been moved to the ICU so there i went with Wahyu and Edi. when i finally see him, i was so speechless. he was just so...... in pain. he was lying hopelessly on the bed. i didn't know if he could see me or not but the nurse said that i should talk to him cause he still can hear me. so i talked to him, i talked about everything. about our drum corps plan to play at jakarta on july, about our lately life that has been ruined by some new stupid rules, about how long his hair was ( i told him to come home soon and cut it at the Mas Mas Cukur, haha :') ), about how he was so handsome there. i touched his hand, i could feel his fingers inside mine, i touched his hair, i whispered on his ear, just to make sure that he knew i was there and that how much i love him; i really really love him. i couldn't hold my tears any longer so i decided to went home. outside the hospital, i promised to myself to come there everytime i get some hours to go out, and i also promise to bought him something for his birthday next week. i should've known i could never do my promises...

the night roll call time came and we are doing those push up-sit up thingy when suddenly my commander stop us all and told me that Tatang's just gone. Gone forever. leaving us, leaving me without any warning. i suddenly feel so empty. the one that i love, whose hair i just touched hours before, whose finger i just hold before, suddenly gone. and will never go back.

and that's it.
that time i just know the the world has come to its end.
that's it.

it's end.